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ESPN Fantasy Hockey Rankings: The Horror Continues

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Melrose_Barry We're not sure why we even bothered after last year, but something (fate perhaps) drew us to check out this year's ESPN Fantasy Hockey Rankings... and we were not disappointed. 

Now, lets just say that we're all for everyone having different opinions and fantasy hockey rankings are meant to be a little provocative but you could honestly be charged for assault in some provinces if you advised your arch enemy to use these rankings.  We originally planned to come up with all these great jokes about how ESPN really blew it this time or how they don't know anything about hockey or about how great Barry Melrose's mullet is (too obvious)... but lets just cut to the chase and see if we can make this clear... IF YOU USE ESPN'S RANKINGS, YOU WILL LOSE YOUR POOL, GUARAN-FUCKIN-TEED.  In fact, just looking at their rankings can do nothing but make you dumber... so unless you're on death row and need a real pick-me-up, don't waste your time, we've already wasted ours for you... 

  • Although ridiculous, its not that egregious to have Datsyuk (#3) over Crosby (#5) or Tim Thomas (#4) & Niklas Backstrom (#11) over Marty Brodeur (#12) and Roberto Luongo (#25).  And I guess we could be convinced, maybe one time out of 500, to take Zdeno Chara (#7) ahead of Mike Green (#18).

But then things get a little hairy:

  • ESPN has Olli Jokinen at a pretty lofty 9th overall, must be cause he'll be playing with a fantasy stud like Jarome Iginla.  Well, where's Iggy you ask?... way down at #27.

  • Imagine you're doing your draft, the 31st pick comes around and 1st round talents Heatley & Kovalchuk are still on the board... well ESPN advises you to take Alex Burrows.  And if you don't like Burrows then they'd prefer if you take David Booth or Milan Lucic before you take Heater & Kovy... right.

  • The always durable Tomas Holmstrom (#65), is much better than Vinny Lecavalier (#88), Thomas Vanek (#90) or Jason Spezza (#104)... of course.

  • Steve Ott (#115) and his projected 35 points are recommended over Martin St.Louis (#127) and his projected 35 goals (& 85 points)... definitely.

  • Oh, and you shouldn't even bother drafting Anze Kopitar... he's ranked #279. 

  • On defense, apparently you should load up on Devils like Paul Martin (#113) and Johnny Oduya (#118) over useless Predators like Shea Weber (#157) or Ryan Suter (#198).

  • The goalies are a total debacle, this one was the funniest... way down at #305 is Michal Neuvirth with his projected 4 wins, 2.73 gaa & .903 sv%... not a bad late round flier until you notice that at spot #312 is Miikka Kiprusoff and his projected 40 wins, 2.69 gaa & .907 sv%.... not even Gary Bettman could put a positive spin on how they arrived at this.

... unreal stuff.

Now, the rankings and projections in our 2009/10 Fantasy Scouting Report are far from perfect but we will 100% guarantee that they'll beat any GM in your league that uses ESPN's.